IMPORTANT! If you have not read "The Interests of a Co-Worker are Not to be Expressed" yet, do so before you read this one.
At the moment in time that we are speaking about, I was on the ground after having jumped into the air, and then I stole Larry's wallet and did a cool gymnastics move. You see, I had discovered that the best way to find out about a person was to steal their wallet and then make up an excuse. This is what I did.
As Larry cried out "Hey, man! Why'd you grab my wallet?", I was rifling through it.
"Face it, Larry!" I yelled at him, pulling something out of the leather wallet completely at random. "This thing that I am holding in my hand will show who you really are!"
I inspected what I had pulled out, and I realized that it was an expired coupon for four dollars off any purchase at the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, except those containing any type of organic materials. I immediately waved it in Larry's face, who stepped back a ways, startled.
"You might think that this ordinary-seeming coupon is anonymous, right? Well, think again!" I said. "As you can see, this coupon is for the fruit shop. So all I have to do is go to the fruit shop and ask them who they gave out coupons to!"
I dragged Larry and his four cats along to the Fruit Shop, and once I had navigated the atrium, sales department, advertising department, merchandise section 1, merchandise sections 3, 4, 5, 7, 11, 19, and 457, I arrived at a cash register. Walking up to the sales clerk, I demanded of him "Who did you give these coupons to? I demand to see a list!" Waving the paper in his face this time. He slowly said "Um, sir, we put those coupons in the local newspaper! Anybody who gets the paper could have one."
I thanked him most sincerely for his kind services, and in payment shipped him four priceless paintings and signed him up for tent-building camp (at half-price, through my government connections). Larry and I (although him not entirely willingly) and his four cats who were curiously barking set off for the newspaper office. When we got there, a strange man wearing entirely yellow clothes except for his monocle, which was yellow as well, stopped us. He tried to feed me a banner, but I told him it was bad for my oral health and pushed him aside. Then we entered the newspaper building.
At this point, Larry seemed to have given up any resistance and was walking like a normal person. Anyway, I asked the newspaper clerk, and she gave us a complete list of everyone who had ever bought a newspaper from the building. I scanned it and found the name "Larry", which conclusively proved that this man was indeed Larry and not Frederick. I paid the clerk with some dirt from the side of the road, and left in style (I had fifteen paid actors swing across the exit and drop confetti as I left).
Now that I knew that this Larry guy was trying to be an imposter, I had to uphold the law and give him the punishment, which in Encyclophobaticsburg was 3 years in a prison of the criminal's choice. Once I had thoroughly explained this to Larry, and resolutely withstood all his attempts to redeem himself by saying "I don't know what you are talking about!" and "I was just walking my dogs!" and "My name is Frederick!" and "The average trajectory of an eliptical ball with an irregularity of 3.4 is not determined by the wind" although that last one might have actually been a science proffesor by the name of Eins T. Ine walking down the street behind him.
He chose to have his punishment, after much argument, on the entire planet, and with satisfaction I picked him up and placed him back down in his prison.
By the way, I later found out that he was my co-worker, which is why I put that title. Neat, huh?
Also, two years and 364 days later he won an all expenses-paid trip to the moon, but I cancelled it because this evil-doer had to see reason.
