Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Interests of a Co-Worker are Not to be Expressed (Part II)

IMPORTANT! If you have not read "The Interests of a Co-Worker are Not to be Expressed" yet, do so before you read this one.
Hello again! You may remember me. I am known by some as "the guy who is over there" but that is not currently important. I must continue my story about how I discovered Larry the Imposter.

At the moment in time that we are speaking about, I was on the ground after having jumped into the air, and then I stole Larry's wallet and did a cool gymnastics move. You see, I had discovered that the best way to find out about a person was to steal their wallet and then make up an excuse. This is what I did.

As Larry cried out "Hey, man! Why'd you grab my wallet?", I was rifling through it.
"Face it, Larry!" I yelled at him, pulling something out of the leather wallet completely at random. "This thing that I am holding in my hand will show who you really are!"
I inspected what I had pulled out, and I realized that it was an expired coupon for four dollars off any purchase at the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, except those containing any type of organic materials. I immediately waved it in Larry's face, who stepped back a ways, startled.
"You might think that this ordinary-seeming coupon is anonymous, right? Well, think again!" I said. "As you can see, this coupon is for the fruit shop. So all I have to do is go to the fruit shop and ask them who they gave out coupons to!"

I dragged Larry and his four cats along to the Fruit Shop, and once I had navigated the atrium, sales department, advertising department, merchandise section 1, merchandise sections 3, 4, 5, 7, 11, 19, and 457, I arrived at a cash register. Walking up to the sales clerk, I demanded of him "Who did you give these coupons to? I demand to see a list!" Waving the paper in his face this time. He slowly said "Um, sir, we put those coupons in the local newspaper! Anybody who gets the paper could have one."

I thanked him most sincerely for his kind services, and in payment shipped him four priceless paintings and signed him up for tent-building camp (at half-price, through my government connections). Larry and I (although him not entirely willingly) and his four cats who were curiously barking set off for the newspaper office. When we got there, a strange man wearing entirely yellow clothes except for his monocle, which was yellow as well, stopped us. He tried to feed me a banner, but I told him it was bad for my oral health and pushed him aside. Then we entered the newspaper building.

At this point, Larry seemed to have given up any resistance and was walking like a normal person. Anyway, I asked the newspaper clerk, and she gave us a complete list of everyone who had ever bought a newspaper from the building. I scanned it and found the name "Larry", which conclusively proved that this man was indeed Larry and not Frederick. I paid the clerk with some dirt from the side of the road, and left in style (I had fifteen paid actors swing across the exit and drop confetti as I left).

Now that I knew that this Larry guy was trying to be an imposter, I had to uphold the law and give him the punishment, which in Encyclophobaticsburg was 3 years in a prison of the criminal's choice. Once I had thoroughly explained this to Larry, and resolutely withstood all his attempts to redeem himself by saying "I don't know what you are talking about!" and "I was just walking my dogs!" and "My name is Frederick!" and "The average trajectory of an eliptical ball with an irregularity of 3.4 is not determined by the wind" although that last one might have actually been a science proffesor by the name of Eins T. Ine walking down the street behind him.

He chose to have his punishment, after much argument, on the entire planet, and with satisfaction I picked him up and placed him back down in his prison.

By the way, I later found out that he was my co-worker, which is why I put that title. Neat, huh?

Also, two years and 364 days later he won an all expenses-paid trip to the moon, but I cancelled it because this evil-doer had to see reason.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Interests of a Co-worker Are Not to Be Expressed

Good afternoon, morning, evening, day, night, or whatever it is right now as you read these words (if it is not something I already mentioned, you should perhaps be concerned.) Anyway, you might be wondering about that title. I mean, weird, right? Totally true, my wise and esteemed reader. However, the reason that I put it there (which is the usual reason for titles) is because that is what I will talk about in this section, known as the "body". This will then be followed by a long boring bar of random things such as the responses, comments, date and time posted, who posted it, and probably some random unimportant tidbits like a nation security alert or something. Well, good to get that out of the way, I always say. Gotta have those random bars of text, or life just wouldn't be the same. Whether it would be better or worse is, of course, an entirely different matter.

So, today as I was walking home from all that great secret agent stuff that I do every day, like fighting fang-toothed toothless bandits or other such adventures, I noticed a slight disturbance in the peace of Encyclophobaticsburg's normally peaceful air of peace. Looking around, I noticed the problem seemed to rest in a sideways man named Larry who owned four cats, all black except three who were white. This is rather a lot of information to take in at once, but we highly esteemed secret agents of the Top-Secret Encyclophobaticsburg Investigative Branch (all secret, of course) are able to detect subtle clues in the world around us, because of our extreme training. I detected these things because:
The man was not walking on the ground as normal people in Encyclophobaticsburg usually do, but instead was parallel to the street. Please note that in the previous sentence, when I referred to "normal people in Encyclophobaticsburg", I meant that they were normal relative to the Encyclophobaticsburg standard. It is widely accepted that Encyclophobaticsburgians are not always as normal as... well... other people, and so of course I had to make a note of that. Well, back to my amazing story.

As I said, I knew many things about this guy because of my powers of observation. I knew his name was Larry because he had a name tag that said "Hello, my name is: Frederick" on it. However, lots of people try to be sneaky and write different names on name tags to throw off the enemy, so I at once knew that he was in fact named Larry and not Frederick. I knew about his cats because I saw four animals with four legs, ears, tails, fur, teeth, and eyes that were walking along with him (also parallel to the street). Like I said, all of them were black except three were white. I then decided to ask him why he was disturbing the peace, and marched up to him.

"Excuse me," I said, "But you, who are Larry who is walking parallel to the street and owns four cats, all of which are black except three, which are white, are disturbing the peace by walking in this way. Why are you doing such a thing?"

He said "Well, my name is Frederick and I am just walking my four dogs here, and I am walking the right way on the street, so I don't see what the problem is."

I immediately knew he was lying, because his name was clearly not Frederick. I immediately jumped at him, but suddenly realized as I did so that I had been lying in the street, which was the reason he appeared to be sideways. Since I was already flying through the air, I needed to think of some excuse for my jump, and fast. I changed course at the last second and instead of pushing him to the ground, instead grabbed his wallet and ended up in a rather spectacular gymnastics flip upon landing.

Well, I will leave it here for now. Next time I will tell you more about my adventures, but in the meantime I will leave you with a cliffhanger. I was told by someone that adding a cliffhanger to the end of something makes people more likely to keep reading the next bit, so here: