Thursday, May 5, 2011

The failings of a Fruitocracy

As many of you know, Encyclophobaticsburg is now a Fruitocracy. For those of you who don't know, I'll sum it up:

Some random guy named Burk Burgundson became President of the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, and then he submitted 43,001 bankruptcy filings. The government devoted all it's workers (at least four, I think) to working on the task. Obviously, this stopped all government activities, and then Burk Burgundson simply strolled in and took over. So now, we are a Fruitocracy, from the Greek root "Fruito" which means "Entity that sells fruit" or "Fruit production", and "-cracy" meaning rule by. As you can see, we are ruled by an entity that also sells fruit, so we are a Fruitocracy.

Burk Burgundson is now the new president, and he has been doing annoying things such as alternatively generating revenue for the city (the first time this has happened since its creation) and trying to destroy the city with live bulls. Obviously, this makes it difficult to live here, and Encyclophobaticsburg is entering a period of deep recession never before seen in our country.

First of all, being ruled by the Fruit Shop means that the only thing we really export is fruit. Sure, there are a few trinkets here and there, but really we mostly sell fruit. Now, fruit has some advantages, such as being tasty, but it's not worth that much money. After all, money doesn't grow on trees, so fruit obviously can't be worth too much.

Actually, speaking of money growing on trees, it brings up my second point. Burk, noticing that the major resource that he had stockpiled was in fact fruit, decided to adopt it as the national currency. While it might be better than the Encyclo (which had an exchange rate of 1 Encyclo per 0.64 Encyclos, meaning that every exchange would result in lost money), it has it's own disadvantages. For one thing, it grows on trees!

This wouldn't be such a problem, but as the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop is now the government as well, it has free reign over the city. Therefore, they have moved their fruit-growing industry from being restricted to the Plain Plains, and there are fruit trees rampant over the city. Therefore, if you want to buy, say, a new toaster oven, all you have to do is stroll down to the store and pick a few pears on the way. Of course, this leads to incredible inflation, so I believe it costs about 6,598 pears to buy a toaster oven. Also, the stores that sell toaster ovens get nothing but fruit in return, which is not worth much because if they wanted to buy, say, a new toaster oven, they would have to pay 6,598 pears. Not that they would want to, because they are the ones selling the toaster ovens in the first place, but still.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The third hint!

Okay, now here is another hint as to the nature of the surprise!

You see, this surprise will have something to do with the name of Encyclophobaticsburg. Go to the informational page about it, and look around for something to do with that. Then maybe you can put the pieces together.

On a totally unrelated note (well it might maybe be related... okay fine its very related.), Burk Burgundson has decided that the climate of Encyclophobaticsburg is too warm to grow good fruit. This might mean that he will move his Fruit Shop, or possibly something else...

Who knows?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Burk's Secret

Burk Burgundson has been acting very strangely recently, and I do not have any idea why. For some strange reason, he keeps putting money into the Encyclophobaticsburg economy, which is very strange. For one thing, all the past governers have already had enormous amounts of trouble with doing the exact same thing, and each has signed numerous laws proving the impossibility of stimulating the economy of Encyclophobaticsburg. This effectively got them off the hook for failing, as they reasoned that nobody could blame them for doing an impossible task. But more importantly, this breaks all the traditions of Encyclophobaticsburg.

I mean, there is a certain beauty to waking up each morning and looking out on Encyclophobatic Plaza, where the Government Building sits like a small, unused shack, and the Fruit Shop looms over the Plaza with it's diamond-encrusted walls. Now, there is actual profits being made from the country selling fruit, in partnership with the Fruit Shop, of course.

It is all highly suspect, and I will no doubt investigate the matter further. Until such time, I will give you all a suspicious note I found lying around:

Pudding Mix
Tomato Seeds

This is obviously some sort of code. The items have almost no relevance to one another, and it is clearly a secret form of correspondence.

More hints!

A great thing is happening in Encyclophobaticsburg! I won't say too much more just yet, but let me tell you, it's gonna be great!

Here's another hint: Architecture Analysis.
That's right, there's gonna be something to do with buildings!
I'll give another hint tomorrow, but in the meantime, here is a poem:

Like a clever flash of lightning,
An excellent bolt of powerful light,
Making cracks atop the sky,
Pouring it's sparks down to the ground.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fruitocracies are very lame.

I have recently discovered that Fruitocracy is a very terrible form of government. The main reason for this is that Burk Burgundson, who is so very kind to tell us absolutely nothing about any subject whatsoever, has declared the city to be a wasteful part of the country. He also refuses to listen to any protests about it being the "only part of the coutnry" [sic] and cites Mt. Slab and Mt. Hunk of Useless Rock, the twin mountains of Encyclophobaticsburg. Interestingly enough, Mt. Hunk of Useless Rock was named after the very first explorer to come to Encyclophobaticsburg, Rick the Intrepid, stubbed his toe on a foothill and declared those very words. Anyway.

So basically this Burk dude is ruining Encyclophobaticsburg and has decided to destroy the city via bulldozers. He was informed by his secretary that the country does not have any bulldozers, at which point he became rather angry and decided to hire a bunch of people to use actual bulls. However, since he picked the staff of the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop to carry out this task, and one of them suddenly pointed out that they would be required to demolish their own Fruit Shop, they instead set the bulls to rampage around the Government Building. That is, what wasthe government building. Currently, it consists of floors 41-46 lying sideways next to a pile of smoking rubble.

As you can see, I am not too pleased with this new Fruitocracy. I made a list of possible actions to take:
  1. Nothing at all. PROS: Very easy to do. CONS: Nothing will happen.
  2. Kidnap Burk and fly him to Russia, change his name to "Steven Teeth-Muncher" and set him up in a second-hand flyswatter business. PROS: Won't have to deal with him for a while. CONS: The name is a little conspicuous.
  3. Throw a stone down a well. PROS: Something might possibly happen. CONS: Something is likely not to happen.
So while I do have a small dilemma, I think I will do all three. In order, of course.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

This post has magical powers.

Just so you know, there are several enormous changes happening here in Encyclophobaticsburg! I can't tell you much more, but it's very very exciting!

As a small hint to one of the new developments that we are developing, I have added magical properties to this post! Merely by reading these words, you are now magical! Of course, in this case it's an entirely honorary position, but still!

A small side effect of this magic process is that commenting has been knocked offline (although this also happens to be a reference to one of the changes going on...)

Well, see you later! I will continue dropping hints!

Friday, April 29, 2011

How could this happen?


Recently, a terrible terrible thing happened to Encyclophobaticsburg!
You see, a tiny dog entered the city, and then nothing happened!
We are all very worried.
But anyway, sorry to waste your time, and see you later!
Also, try not to face any enemy forces while you are out.
It hurts.

Like the time when a cat landed on my face with all 21 claws out and ready!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

New page!

After the recent Encyclophobaticsburg Fruitocracy takeover, I decided to create a new page of my blog that tells you a little bit more about Encyclophobaticsburg. Take a look. If you can find it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Remember when...

Remember the days in which I actually posted regularly on this blog? Well, I am here to tell you that those days may once again be ours to remember as the current situation which has been brought to us through the mystical outbursts that time sends spiraling through six reverse clauses and a cactus to meet us and greet us here at the present, which is not the past nor future nor coffee break but in fact right NOW.

As a reward for a) making it through that paragraph battered and scarred by the destruction of at least 2/3 the remaining brain mass you may possess after reading earlier posts of mine, or b) skipping it wisely in an attempt to save yourself, I shall tell you more about the Encyclophobaticsburg fruit shop.

You see, recently the fruit shop filed for bankruptcy. Now I know what you may be thinking if you read my other posts, where you will notice that the fruit shop is richer than all the other corporations in the country put together, including the government and national reserve. However, don't worry, the fruit shop only filed for bankruptcy because they have a new CEO named Burk Burgundson, and he is... well... let's just say he knows what a room with rubber walls looks like.

Anyway, Burk decided to file for bankruptcy out of pure boredom, because he finds that following the laws of both logic and the Encyclophobaticsburg government are very boring. So he clogged up the offices of the government with 43,001 bankruptcy filings, which caused all the employees to be redirected to the Commerce, And Business, And Other Important Things branch (CABAOIT). Shortly afterward, he invaded the country and took over the government.

So now Encyclophobaticsburg is a Fruitocracy, which means Rule by an entity that also sells fruit. Fruito is a greek root meaning "To sell fruit" or "Grow/Create fruit", so curiously enough, the country would have the same name if it were ruled by a plum tree.

Well, that's all I have to say, just your average government takeover and greek roots lesson in one. Thanks for reading. Kinda. Well okay, since I have no idea who is reading this, it is rather hard to personally thank them for reading these words. Whatever.

My most sincere apologies, for I have done a terrible thing.

It has been brought to my attention from at least 7 of my staff members (including my stapler, which for some reason seems to have gained sentience) that my previous post regarding the adventures and life of one World Peace Man is too small for the general public to read. Because this crucial mistake has undoubtedly been tragic. Current estimates show that over $14 million dollars worth of resources were lost in a an accident that could have been averted if this had not happened.

Apparently, an old man was driving down the road and met six cats, each of whom were holding a protesting sign about war. The man was angry and devoured their signs, reducing all but one of the cats to tears, which promptly started an economical collapse in 3 countries.

Sorry about that.

A Short Salutation

Hello there, good fellows!

I, Agent Pizza, have begun to schedule posts. I am hoping to set the posting frequency on this blog to be twice a week at random times during the week.

So, in light of this, I have created a special song!

Song of the Singers
by Agent Pizza

Once there was a giant horse,
who sang all day 'till he was hoarse,
And then he met another horse,
and they talked all day 'till the horses were hoarse.
Then they found another horse,
Who talked in a code called morse,
and he tried to stop them from coerce,
him into eating a pie, to make him hoarse.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A New Comic Series

I have decided to create a Comic about "World Peace Man". I don't know whether I will create more of these or not, but here is the first edition of WPM.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Informative Facts You Should Know

Here are some facts that you should definitely know to be successful in life:

  1. 7 out of 8 Whales in the Indian Ocean are threatened by threats such as Plant Life, Other Whales, and Knives.
  2. 6 out of 14 Dinosaur Fossils found today are actually fossilized rock formations from the moon, known as fossilizedrockformationsfromthemoon in scientific communities.
  3. There is no reason to doubt the obvious, unless it is obviously wrong.
  4. Nothing that one can see from any given point on Earth have any life forms, unless you look down.
  5. Twelve occupational hazards are used as excuses for buying shoes every year.
  6. 19 out of 18 people in the Northern Hemisphere suffer from a rare form of lung-disease known as "dry dock research"
  7. While it is possible that this false statement could be false or true, the first part and third part may or may not be possibly true or/nor false if the false section is also false, but since it may be false that either section is false then the truth lies in the possible parts that are not false but true. However, this may be false.
  8. There are seven ways to injure yourself in a blimp. They are from jumping out, getting hurt by explosions, engine malfunction, food poisoning, food contamination, food getting up and attacking you, and of course, captains who have not reviewed all safety procedures.
  9. This is the second-to-last fact.
  10. Out of every color that is visible to humans, most tend to slobber uncontrollably when placed within 6 inches of a toadstool-microwave hybrid.
Now that you know these things, go and show the world* your wisdom.

*Note: Blog of the Pizzas is not responsible, and therefore will be held entirely harmless and released from all legal obligations, for any laughing or ridicule that may result from this course of action. Blog of the Pizzas would like to remind you that this is a suggestion only, and is merely used for the purpose of instruction and/or benefiting the reader in one or more ways. By reading this sentence or any of the aforementioned sentences, you obviously agree to hold Blog of the Pizzas harmless and possibly submit any bunny slippers you may be wearing for testing purposes.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A great dance routine:

Here is my latest dance routine, entitled "Tomorrow I will..."

Talk to a piece of floss
Throw a cat into a crate labeled "Rhino"
Accelerate particles
Jump twice
And sing "Hally Hally Humphrey Wally Eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Okay, here is a riddle! Answer it if you can!

What is blind when it is light,
But sees perfectly in the dark,
That can turn any which way,
But never move?

This riddle was told to me by an intellectual gopher named Vagamondio Levi Volchak, who also wears a top hat. That will be all.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Encyclophobaticsburg's New Wind Tunnel

Just last week, Encyclophobaticsburg engineers unveiled an enormous new laboratory, called Encyclophobaticsburg Labs, which is an underground facility that has great new equipment and several devices. Since I am a Secret Agent, I have all-clear access to the whole place so that I can do tests and experiments, so I was recently touring the building. This is what happened on my tour:

First, I went and saw the Chemical Department, where there are several enormous rooms filled with all sorts of test tubes, glass pipes, beakers, and a bunch of very complex-looking things. I poked around for a few minutes and found nothing that I understood, so I went into the elevator and pushed a button at random. That is, I tried, but I found that there were no buttons.

The Encyclophobaticsburg Labs have very advanced Elevator systems that go in a large variety of directions (including up, down, left, right, backward, forward, diagonally, upside down, and 32.6 degrees from no point in particular). Anyway, I walked in and realized this fact from a small plaque that told about the Elevator. The plaque also said that, instead of boring buttons, these elevators were equipped with "Realistic Voice Personality Software" that talks and interacts with the user to get a better feel for the floor they want to go to. With some foreboding, I said tentatively: "Hello?"

Instantly the elevator started to whir, and I heard a voice say "Hello there valued user, which floor or room would you like to go to today?" At which I responded "Just take me to the most interesting place."

What followed was a very lengthy discussion in which the elevator asked me to define interesting, then define each word of my definition, and so on, under the pretense of discovering "my personal preferences to a more specific degree." I tried to get out of the stupid thing and go find some stairs, but it had to establish my preferences first in order to determine the method in which I wanted to get out (such as the speed at which to open the doors, the number of millimeters above the floor level I wanted, what music should be playing, and so forth) , so I spent the subsequent hour and a half arguing with the thing, until it finally decided to take me to room #4201 and promptly set off at a pace that was arguably half as fast as walking. I asked it why it was going so slow and it told me that this was all for my comfort, because it had established that I would get mad if it jolted me too much. My response to this was to kick its speaker panel until it lay broken and dying on the floor, and after a few minutes of playing around with the complex wiring behind it I managed to make the elevator move at normal speed to my destination.

I finally arrived and discovered that I was standing in a somewhat large room with several thick windows looking in on an enormous tube that seemed to be embedded in the side. There was also a door and some various lab tables with computers and cabinets, but the door just invited me to open it, and so I did. Using my all-access pass, I shoved my way inside and discovered an amazing spectacle.

There was a huge tube with enormous turbine systems that looked like it could generate enormous winds, as well as some stands that seemed to be used for supporting whatever was being tested. The label on the door had said "Wind Tunnel" so I assumed this was a wind tunnel.

That was my entire adventure. I had a great time.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology

The country of Encyclophobaticsburg is very small and consists of only one city, Encyclophobaticsburg (or alternatively Encyclophobaticsville), as well as a region of many fruit orchards and a small mountain range where Yodelberries grow. The entire country's government offices are in the center of the city, and there is one remarkable department that I will tell you about today. It is called the Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology

In the EDOST, there are approximately 60 people employed. Their job is to develop new concepts and ideas to benefit Encyclophobaticsburg, such as new slingshots for the Military or new streetlights for the roads at night. They also collaborate with Encyclophobaticsburg's two universities to work on scientific research.

Most of the time spent at the EDOST is used to develop new ways to research things. Their offices have some of the fastest and most advanced computers ever seen in the world, and indeed, 4 of their 15 floors of the Encyclophobaticsburg capital building (Which has 111 stories) are taken up with enormous super-computer equipment. They spend all of their time upgrading their equipment, with the logic that by making better tools, they can make a better product.

Unfortunately, they never actually develop anything, which is why the military's technology is so out-dated. They use their super-computers to crunch the numbers necessary to build even bigger super-computers, and the entire department is extremely technologically advanced, with some of the world's best equipment. However, they only use it to upgrade itself, which should be a logical fallacy but that never stops them.

Whenever a citizen learns of this department, they (assuming they 1. are in their right mind & 2. have enough common sense to think about it) will often try to start a letter-writing campaign or other movement of similar style, which usually ends up with an "angry mob" of about 4-5 people storming up the the Department entrance. Then they are escorted to the Department of Law Enforcement where they sit in a conference room with a few moody photographs of unsuspecting still life in it and told to wait for a few minutes while an Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology representative comes to get them. A couple hours and about 5 angry phone calls to the front desk demanding to know where in the world the representative was and replies about him arriving shortly, later, the representative would enter and promptly give a long presentation on the room's projector about the market goals of the EDOST. The few members who are still awake at this point would then angrily demand that the market goals can fall down a well for all they are concerned, and that his department starts working on Encyclophobaticsburg's problems. The representative would then tell them that making better tools leads to a better product, shove a stack of pamphlets in their faces and then leave. A few days after this incident would happen, the citizen in question would suddenly find an extravagantly expensive plane ticket charged to their credit card, and at least four mix-ups in their governmental records, usually changing their full legal name to Joe Windmill Sumpter.

While the apparent relation between these last two phenomenons and the EDOST customer service office are yet to be explained, it is clear that the EDOST will probably not contribute to Encyclophobaticsburg any time soon. Therefore, I will have to take it into my own hands to apply my secret agent gadgets to the entire task force that I am directing, so I will need to hire a sidekick of some sort... I already have a few candidates picked out.

Sorry, I need to go, because I hear some construction crews trying to seal my front door with concrete and demanding large sums of money.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Recently, my home town of Encyclophobaticsburg has started to fortify its barriers. Since the city is not very organized and the style of buildings can change drastically every block or two, this is not an easy job. The government is also out of workers because the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, being richer than the government itself, keeps luring them to work as cashiers because of the better pay. Consequently, there are only 12 workers trying to build a wall around an entire city. I believe the latest report is that it is 0.04% done.

You may be wondering why the government wants to build fortifications around Encyclophobaticsburg. Now, remember that Encyclophobaticsburg is situated on a peninsula that juts out into the ocean, and all of the land leading up to it is owned by the Fruit Shop, which is where they grow most of their produce.

The other day, a firework was launched into the city limits and hit the main Encyclohobaticsburg plaza, which is the center of the city. It exploded and caused the plaza to be blackened in the middle, and 4 goats that were walking by to run away (thus causing 2/3 of the local Encyclophobaticsburg Goat Pasture's income to vanish. As you may have surmised, the local Encyclophobaticsburg Goat Pasture isn't a very large operation, but they are planning to double the size of their headquarters by adding 10 square feet soon). Anyway, the firework had a note (on fireproof paper, of course) attached to it, that said:
"We are planning to attack your town in six months. Please don't tell."

So of course, every citizen of Encyclophobaticsburg who read it didn't tell any others, but then the mayor, who read the message and was frustrated by the lack of communication it caused, cut the end of the message off and everyone could start discussing it.

Anyway, this firework-message has caused most of the city to start building fortifications, and we hope to have a full defensive front in 6 months.

Also, the government has been upgrading the army. Since Encyclophobaticsburg has been peaceful ever since it was founded, the army has been a little lax, and currently consists of 1 insane old man who never speaks except to inanimate objects, a caterpillar, the army commander, and 4 people who signed up on accident and haven't realized that they are part of it yet. The newest army outfit design is a metal bucket for a helmet and a slingshot, so we need to make a few advancements in six months.

I have been asked by the government to investigate the source of the firework and head the new Encyclophobaticsburg intelligence agency. Between recruiting new recruits, filing paperwork, and field missions, I might not be able to post much.

Right now I need to convert two rooms of my HQ into paper-filing rooms, so I must go.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Interests of a Co-Worker are Not to be Expressed (Part II)

IMPORTANT! If you have not read "The Interests of a Co-Worker are Not to be Expressed" yet, do so before you read this one.
Hello again! You may remember me. I am known by some as "the guy who is over there" but that is not currently important. I must continue my story about how I discovered Larry the Imposter.

At the moment in time that we are speaking about, I was on the ground after having jumped into the air, and then I stole Larry's wallet and did a cool gymnastics move. You see, I had discovered that the best way to find out about a person was to steal their wallet and then make up an excuse. This is what I did.

As Larry cried out "Hey, man! Why'd you grab my wallet?", I was rifling through it.
"Face it, Larry!" I yelled at him, pulling something out of the leather wallet completely at random. "This thing that I am holding in my hand will show who you really are!"
I inspected what I had pulled out, and I realized that it was an expired coupon for four dollars off any purchase at the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, except those containing any type of organic materials. I immediately waved it in Larry's face, who stepped back a ways, startled.
"You might think that this ordinary-seeming coupon is anonymous, right? Well, think again!" I said. "As you can see, this coupon is for the fruit shop. So all I have to do is go to the fruit shop and ask them who they gave out coupons to!"

I dragged Larry and his four cats along to the Fruit Shop, and once I had navigated the atrium, sales department, advertising department, merchandise section 1, merchandise sections 3, 4, 5, 7, 11, 19, and 457, I arrived at a cash register. Walking up to the sales clerk, I demanded of him "Who did you give these coupons to? I demand to see a list!" Waving the paper in his face this time. He slowly said "Um, sir, we put those coupons in the local newspaper! Anybody who gets the paper could have one."

I thanked him most sincerely for his kind services, and in payment shipped him four priceless paintings and signed him up for tent-building camp (at half-price, through my government connections). Larry and I (although him not entirely willingly) and his four cats who were curiously barking set off for the newspaper office. When we got there, a strange man wearing entirely yellow clothes except for his monocle, which was yellow as well, stopped us. He tried to feed me a banner, but I told him it was bad for my oral health and pushed him aside. Then we entered the newspaper building.

At this point, Larry seemed to have given up any resistance and was walking like a normal person. Anyway, I asked the newspaper clerk, and she gave us a complete list of everyone who had ever bought a newspaper from the building. I scanned it and found the name "Larry", which conclusively proved that this man was indeed Larry and not Frederick. I paid the clerk with some dirt from the side of the road, and left in style (I had fifteen paid actors swing across the exit and drop confetti as I left).

Now that I knew that this Larry guy was trying to be an imposter, I had to uphold the law and give him the punishment, which in Encyclophobaticsburg was 3 years in a prison of the criminal's choice. Once I had thoroughly explained this to Larry, and resolutely withstood all his attempts to redeem himself by saying "I don't know what you are talking about!" and "I was just walking my dogs!" and "My name is Frederick!" and "The average trajectory of an eliptical ball with an irregularity of 3.4 is not determined by the wind" although that last one might have actually been a science proffesor by the name of Eins T. Ine walking down the street behind him.

He chose to have his punishment, after much argument, on the entire planet, and with satisfaction I picked him up and placed him back down in his prison.

By the way, I later found out that he was my co-worker, which is why I put that title. Neat, huh?

Also, two years and 364 days later he won an all expenses-paid trip to the moon, but I cancelled it because this evil-doer had to see reason.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Interests of a Co-worker Are Not to Be Expressed

Good afternoon, morning, evening, day, night, or whatever it is right now as you read these words (if it is not something I already mentioned, you should perhaps be concerned.) Anyway, you might be wondering about that title. I mean, weird, right? Totally true, my wise and esteemed reader. However, the reason that I put it there (which is the usual reason for titles) is because that is what I will talk about in this section, known as the "body". This will then be followed by a long boring bar of random things such as the responses, comments, date and time posted, who posted it, and probably some random unimportant tidbits like a nation security alert or something. Well, good to get that out of the way, I always say. Gotta have those random bars of text, or life just wouldn't be the same. Whether it would be better or worse is, of course, an entirely different matter.

So, today as I was walking home from all that great secret agent stuff that I do every day, like fighting fang-toothed toothless bandits or other such adventures, I noticed a slight disturbance in the peace of Encyclophobaticsburg's normally peaceful air of peace. Looking around, I noticed the problem seemed to rest in a sideways man named Larry who owned four cats, all black except three who were white. This is rather a lot of information to take in at once, but we highly esteemed secret agents of the Top-Secret Encyclophobaticsburg Investigative Branch (all secret, of course) are able to detect subtle clues in the world around us, because of our extreme training. I detected these things because:
The man was not walking on the ground as normal people in Encyclophobaticsburg usually do, but instead was parallel to the street. Please note that in the previous sentence, when I referred to "normal people in Encyclophobaticsburg", I meant that they were normal relative to the Encyclophobaticsburg standard. It is widely accepted that Encyclophobaticsburgians are not always as normal as... well... other people, and so of course I had to make a note of that. Well, back to my amazing story.

As I said, I knew many things about this guy because of my powers of observation. I knew his name was Larry because he had a name tag that said "Hello, my name is: Frederick" on it. However, lots of people try to be sneaky and write different names on name tags to throw off the enemy, so I at once knew that he was in fact named Larry and not Frederick. I knew about his cats because I saw four animals with four legs, ears, tails, fur, teeth, and eyes that were walking along with him (also parallel to the street). Like I said, all of them were black except three were white. I then decided to ask him why he was disturbing the peace, and marched up to him.

"Excuse me," I said, "But you, who are Larry who is walking parallel to the street and owns four cats, all of which are black except three, which are white, are disturbing the peace by walking in this way. Why are you doing such a thing?"

He said "Well, my name is Frederick and I am just walking my four dogs here, and I am walking the right way on the street, so I don't see what the problem is."

I immediately knew he was lying, because his name was clearly not Frederick. I immediately jumped at him, but suddenly realized as I did so that I had been lying in the street, which was the reason he appeared to be sideways. Since I was already flying through the air, I needed to think of some excuse for my jump, and fast. I changed course at the last second and instead of pushing him to the ground, instead grabbed his wallet and ended up in a rather spectacular gymnastics flip upon landing.

Well, I will leave it here for now. Next time I will tell you more about my adventures, but in the meantime I will leave you with a cliffhanger. I was told by someone that adding a cliffhanger to the end of something makes people more likely to keep reading the next bit, so here: