Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology

The country of Encyclophobaticsburg is very small and consists of only one city, Encyclophobaticsburg (or alternatively Encyclophobaticsville), as well as a region of many fruit orchards and a small mountain range where Yodelberries grow. The entire country's government offices are in the center of the city, and there is one remarkable department that I will tell you about today. It is called the Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology

In the EDOST, there are approximately 60 people employed. Their job is to develop new concepts and ideas to benefit Encyclophobaticsburg, such as new slingshots for the Military or new streetlights for the roads at night. They also collaborate with Encyclophobaticsburg's two universities to work on scientific research.

Most of the time spent at the EDOST is used to develop new ways to research things. Their offices have some of the fastest and most advanced computers ever seen in the world, and indeed, 4 of their 15 floors of the Encyclophobaticsburg capital building (Which has 111 stories) are taken up with enormous super-computer equipment. They spend all of their time upgrading their equipment, with the logic that by making better tools, they can make a better product.

Unfortunately, they never actually develop anything, which is why the military's technology is so out-dated. They use their super-computers to crunch the numbers necessary to build even bigger super-computers, and the entire department is extremely technologically advanced, with some of the world's best equipment. However, they only use it to upgrade itself, which should be a logical fallacy but that never stops them.

Whenever a citizen learns of this department, they (assuming they 1. are in their right mind & 2. have enough common sense to think about it) will often try to start a letter-writing campaign or other movement of similar style, which usually ends up with an "angry mob" of about 4-5 people storming up the the Department entrance. Then they are escorted to the Department of Law Enforcement where they sit in a conference room with a few moody photographs of unsuspecting still life in it and told to wait for a few minutes while an Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology representative comes to get them. A couple hours and about 5 angry phone calls to the front desk demanding to know where in the world the representative was and replies about him arriving shortly, later, the representative would enter and promptly give a long presentation on the room's projector about the market goals of the EDOST. The few members who are still awake at this point would then angrily demand that the market goals can fall down a well for all they are concerned, and that his department starts working on Encyclophobaticsburg's problems. The representative would then tell them that making better tools leads to a better product, shove a stack of pamphlets in their faces and then leave. A few days after this incident would happen, the citizen in question would suddenly find an extravagantly expensive plane ticket charged to their credit card, and at least four mix-ups in their governmental records, usually changing their full legal name to Joe Windmill Sumpter.

While the apparent relation between these last two phenomenons and the EDOST customer service office are yet to be explained, it is clear that the EDOST will probably not contribute to Encyclophobaticsburg any time soon. Therefore, I will have to take it into my own hands to apply my secret agent gadgets to the entire task force that I am directing, so I will need to hire a sidekick of some sort... I already have a few candidates picked out.

Sorry, I need to go, because I hear some construction crews trying to seal my front door with concrete and demanding large sums of money.

1 comment:

Trepidation said...

I have discovered a way to improve this! It will make the city of Encyclophobaticsburg a grand place for years to come, and prosper under all conditions! It's perfect!

Oops, I forgot.