Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Eating Granola Makes Time Slow Down.

Did you know? It's true! Scientifically proven! By whom, you may ask? Well by me, of course!
I, Agent Pizza, have recently discovered the astonishing fact that Granola does in fact slow time. While eating some this morning, I was delighted to find that for a moment (well for me, but probably longer for everyone else because time had slowed down) every movement out the window seemed to simply... slow. A pack of heavily laden merchants walking by in the salty ocean air started to take exaggerated slow steps, and a rare green-jeweled pelican swooping low over the water suddenly caught a fish with fluid, yet very slow, flashing of its brilliant beak.

Then time caught up with me, and as I had been leaning out of my chair, suddenly it registered my weight and I crashed to the floor as a multitude of sounds came back and I realized what had happened. Thinking quickly, I analyzed the situation from the ground, and after several seconds of furious thinking I discovered that the most likely cause of this phenomenon was the granola. So I took another bite, of course.

I found the same result. Noise seemed to become somewhat muted as the soundwaves slowed, and everything seemed to be slowing down from my perspective. However, my motions were slow too, and only my thinking seemed to be going at a speed different from everything else's. I could only attribute this to the fact that the illusion of time slowing down must stem from my perspective, not the real physical actions around me.

So naturally, I grabbed several handfuls of the stuff and shoved them into my mouth, causing time to slow down even further. Realizing I should have been very cold because the atoms wouldn't vibrate with their normal speed, I quickly deduced that my nerves weren't responding fast enough to notice. Another effect I experienced was a slight feeling that I wasn't in my head. I seemed to be leaving my body and senses in a way, since my perspective and thoughts could catch up far faster than all of my sensory organs. The combined symptoms of this slowed time were extreme, and I was almost glad when I returned soundly back to Earth, as time caught up around me. Let me tell you, it is not a great experience to be caught in between when the time stream is trying to make up for lost time. Events whirled by me and I felt like the middle of one of those commercials where all the people are zipping around by you. But instead of people, it was the little things, like dust motes in the room or clouds moving in front of the sun, that really overloaded my brain. Luckily it was all over, and after a few waves of nausea and a quick splash of cold water, I was back to myself.

Then I bought all the granola I could get in Encyclophobaticsburg and went into my laboratory to study it. After finding that it was, in fact, regular granola, I gave up on the finding-out-how-it-works approach and began using a combination of thermo-nuclear black hole propulsion electron beams and silly putty to condense the granola into one tiny pill. The size of only four pieces of granola, I figured this thing would contain as much effect as four packages.

Then I ate it.

And nothing happened.

Moral: Don't play with Silly Putty, you could end up eating it and choking.
Moral 2: Try to catch a Green-Jeweled Pelican, they sell for lots of money. About $5.98 on the current market.


Capitalism said...

Hey Mister

I wanted to congratulate you on your emerging theories on the congregation of foreign aliens. Thanks for all your help and support! Please enjoy candles.

Also Johnny still has rice in his mitten.

said... said... said... said...

I have a Proposition.

A BUSINESS proposition.

What if I made this awesome camera that could turn anything to gold simply by throwing it away and replacing it with a golden statue?

Only 4 hours of manual labor per transformation! What do you say?

Are you made of meat?